


Dedicated to those called "sir"

by falseintrospective (BoyGirlBothNoneImTheUniverse)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Beauty Standards, Body Dysphoria, Femininity, Gen, Identity Issues, Introspection, Pride, Slice of Life, Trans Character, Virginity, Weight Issues, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 20:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19410568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoyGirlBothNoneImTheUniverse/pseuds/falseintrospective
Summary: Claire hates seeing someone come to a conclusion about her. Because they always come to the same conclusion: boy.





	Dedicated to those called "sir"

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to start this off with a few facts about myself:
> 
> i am not trans so i can in no way claim to understand that pain of being born in a body that feels not mine. i can not claim to be discriminated against because of something out of my control.
> 
> i can only claim to understand the pain of having someone look at you and call you something youre not. i was born a cisfemale, but because of genes i look very masculine and am regularly mistaken as a boy. ive been called sir more times than ive ever been called m'am. ive been entering a bathroom and have had someone sneer at me and ask me if im sure i entered the correct restroom.
> 
> i can claim that i know being misgendered hurts and that i hope one day the world realizes how deep it cuts.

"Twenty," Claire confesses, smiling slightly at Megan's defeated groan. "I lost my virginity when I was twenty."

Megan grumbles at her words, dismissing her quickly, before she turns her attention back to Melissa and Tina. Claire knows that Megan had been looking for an ally, but she finds it amusing to see the petite girl shake her head in frustration. Tina had confessed that she lost her virginity when she was only sixteen; and how she discovered her pregnancy a few months afterwards. She's sixty-three now and married to the same man who got her pregnant. Her family is large and loving and she feels no shame for the life she lives.

Melissa shares a similar story, but her loss of virginity at seventeen didn't lead to a pregnancy; a one-night stand at nineteen did that. She is also married now, to a second husband who would never dream of hitting her like her first one did. She also has several grandchildren on the way, something she loves talking about to anyone who will stop doing their job for long enough to listen.

Megan had been slightly disgruntled when she confessed to not sleeping with someone until she was twenty-one, a boyfriend who is now a distant friend back in Virginia. She is easily the prettiest out of their gathered co-workers and Claire can understand why the fiery girl might be a little putout by this perceived slights. Megan doesn't mean it in any harmful way; she doesn't mean to imply that since she's prettier, she should've found someone to sleep with her before any of her co-workers could.

She doesn't mean it like that, but Claire still lies just to get a rise out of her.

Megan huffs again, clearly embarrassed if her flushed face is anything to go by, and she grumbles about needing to use the restroom before she excuses herself out of the glorified closet their boss calls an office. Clair shares a grin with Tina before the older woman shakes her head and announces she's going to take a quick smoke before they go back onto the floor. Claire waves both of them away, Melissa following Tina with a vape pen in her hand, as the two also exit, snickering to themselves on their way out of the building.

Claire stays where she is, reclined back in her boss's ratty tan computer chair. August had gone home early to get things organized around the house for the impending arrival of her mother-in-law, so Claire didn't bother leaving the office where the cleaning carts were stored. Instead, she leaned even farther back in the chair and closed her eyes, just breathing for a moment.

Her heart was beating so very fast.

Claire doesn't like to lie to herself, for hypocrisy is one of her biggest pet peeves, so even when a lie passes her lips for others to hear, she doesn't ever let herself believe it. She lied about losing her virginity at twenty. It wasn't just because she wanted to see Megan squirm; no, it was because Claire was a virgin and rather insecure about that fact.

Claire wasn't someone who put a lot of stock in the idea that a woman's virginity was some pure thing. Virginity was a social construct at it's core, but it still bothered her. Claire understands that some people wait until marriage to have sex. Others have a fear of sex due to trauma. Some people have no interest in it whatsoever.

Claire isn't one of those people.

Claire has a healthy enough sex drive. She masturbates almost every day, watches porn, and even occasionally reads a dirty story online. She identifies as bisexual and finds a lot of people around her attractive. The problem, she's come to bitterly discover, is that a lot of people don't find _her_ attractive.

She's considerably overweight, has a double chin that would surely put others to shame, and also has a hunched posture that makes her back curved in such a way that she looks even bigger than her weight should allow.

Claire is more than aware that some people don't care how much a person weighs. She knows that larger women get laid every day. She's just tired of not being one of them. She's tired of feeling insecure about her lack of sexual appeal. She's tired of getting a crush and pining as the person she's interested in dates someone far prettier than her. She's tired of hearing the words, 'You're funny' in a shocked way, as the person who said it reevaluates the fat girl they had just been talking to. She hates that she'd much rather hear them say, 'You're cute,' even if their shock would hurt so much worse when uttering those words.

She wants to sleep with someone. She wants the intimacy of having someone caress her and mean it. She wants someone to look into her eyes and have them shine as they call her beautiful. She wants a kiss. Just a kiss. A first kiss.

The kiss could be bad, probably will be since she's never done it before, but that's perfectly fine. She wants someone to look at her, see her smile and her humor, and she wants them to think to themselves, "Wow. I want to kiss her."

Claire wants all of the friends around her to stop saying she's such a good person and that someone will want her one day. She wants, desperately, for random people to look at her and think about who she is. She wants people to stop looking at her and thinking, "What a large young man."

Claire hates that her short hair and rotund body immediately zap any femininity from her form. She hates that if she ever wants to be called m'am instead of sir, she has to be wearing makeup. She hates that she'd have to change herself to get any type of validation from the people around her.

Claire hates seeing someone come to a conclusion about her. Because they always come to the same conclusion: boy.

Claire isn't a boy. She's never been a boy; and she hates that that specific insecurity is keeping her from ever reaching the intimacy that she craves.

"You ready to go deep clean 216?" Megan asks as she reappears, Melissa and Tina sweeping in after her.

"Sure," Claire responds with a smile, hiding her insecurities behind a false grin. Megan returns her cheer, completely unaware of Claire's inner turmoil.

Claire lets them grab their carts first, waiting patiently as they swing them out of the room. She takes in a deep breath, valiantly fighting against the burning in her eyes, before she picks up her name tag and clips it onto her scrubs. Claire leaves the room and Charlie gets to work.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you have the support one day to let the people around you know that you are not 'sir'. or that you are not 'm'am'. i hope that one day you have the love you deserve.


End file.
